The self

I had a very enlightening conversation with someone today. And was given very good feedback. I was told i had changed... i guess in some ways drastically.


I'd have to agree.... It was easy to be all spiritual when there was time. When my mornings were not a get out of bed and go to work or get home, bathe and sleep routine. Now a days, i actually have to motivate myself to burn incense at the alter, when previously i was critical on how it should be done, in a certain manner, a certain time...


What has changed i wonder? Has my focus in life taken a new direction? Is this part of my journey into discovering myself? I do recall periods of time when my intense need to soul search varied from nothing to deligent retreat. Perhaps it's time again. After all.... it has been 4 years since i focused fully on inner practice.


Have i really changed?  Have i become a crook, focused on my fears and money? For sure, the free spirited me is still present and unchanged, and feeling the pressure of having my wings clipped. I still want to heal and do good...

Perhaps it's really time i contemplated on my methods..........

Misconceptions

With the current events happening in my home country, i can't help but to reflect on my own thoughts and actions.

Here we have a blanket banning of an event meant to create awareness and tolerance,
And on the other end we have prejudice and intolerance.
Fixed views i call it.

I wonder how often this happens in our everyday lives, when our views become fixed.
And how easy it is to judge when our thoughts are made up about the people around us.
As much as we may think that we are open minded, we.... in the deepest sense are not.
We are still confined to our thought and opinions, conditioned by books, society, education and the media etc..

We are constantly judging, knowingly or unknowingly, when we criticize another's work, or how they do their work our judgements are endless.. In a society driven by instant results and gains, it definitely is a skill to be able to put our discriminations aside.

Even more then ever when we are constantly having to face discriminations of our own.

Question is.... do we have the self awareness to not discriminate and choose to view the world with compassion? How many of us consciously make an effort not to discriminate?

Contemplations

I often wonder if disagreements and fights begin because i fail to be more understanding,
Or that i'm selfish and have put myself first...
As much as i try to be open and wise, i guess i have my bad judgements..
I can be grumpy and thoughtless,
Recently i've been told that i'm hostile and moody..
Perhaps all that is true...

But i think even the best of us have bad days..
I recall a period of time some years back..
I kept having difficulty keeping awake..
Maybe it was some karma of some sort, or just physical and mental exhaustion.
I'd find myself falling to sleep and struggling to way up.
And having dreams of missing a class... i was working then.
Another period where i was trying to find footing in life..

We all get wiped of our feet occasionally,
Sadly for me, i seem to adapt quite slowly,
Maybe i don't take change very well when it comes to ME!

This is a period of growth... and as much as i'm struggling i do see the light ahead..
It just feels like a long way... even though deep down i know that its not...
This will pass......... it always does......

Do we or do we not?

For everyone out there who believes that we see the world through our own experiences, of a pair of filters moulded by our immediate worlds...
How aware are you really?

How do fights and disagreements begin? I wonder...
Well it has to start from 2 points..... both equally correct.. or so they think...
So if both is correct, then who is wrong?

I remember when i was young, i was bad at maths... my brother on the other hand was very good. A star student. One day my mum had him tutor me. We are 7 years apart, i was only in my primary school back then, so he would have been in his teens.

Well... being a teen and having to tutor his youngest sister, lets say he could have been slightly impatient to start with, definitely not his ideal way of spending a weekend afternoon. And trying very hard to hide it of course.. but wanting to be very helpful at the same time. I'm sure he had tonnes of other things planned and was hopping he could get it over and done with quickly.

So things started slowly... a = d x 6 = x, I didn't get it the first time... and went huh?
After a few more times it became a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 =X
His voice started to get louder,
I asked, "but what happened to b & c? How did the a become  d ?  You have to go through b & c."
The more impatient he got, the more blur i became... my defenses were up.
I couldn't understand why he was getting mad when all i asked was " how did he get from a to d, without going through b &c
Being younger it was a tough fight, I had lots of difficulty expressing negative emotions, even since then.

And now, when in a corner... i still find myself in a state of panic and confusion.... being blur is my self defense... My head goes numb and all my collected thoughts disappear.. Defend against why you may ask... well.. the energy sent out of course... the provoking stare of disbelief or judging...
When one gets angry it comes out of the eyes..... and when done with intent pierces like a sword.

How dis-empowering it can be...

( I remember when I was in Australia, and this certain person had misjudged me. Being a person in power she told the whole group of what she thought i did, while staring at me... It was a psychic attack. A very well attained friend of mine was sitting in front of me and received half of the blow, a fire ball was launched and blew a hole in my heart chakra, don't know who much damage she got, but we both spoke about it after. Took me a few days to recover)

I could not hear him, and he could not me... ( we'll he thought he heard me)

He had decided i was stupid,
I kept feeling unheard and judged, wondering why he couldn't just explain further.
In the end tears fell.... i felt hopeless.  We were both frustrated....

Looking back at it... it was all really silly...
What was it all about? Facts? Feelings? or both?
How aware are we of our thoughts?

What i've learned... is my blurness is a defense mechanism, and according to a book i read.... the Celestine Prophecy if someone is able to point it out.... the defense disappears... I've tested the theory in the book on someone else... it works.

I should seek out and read that book again.......

Our dependency on technology

Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets....

I remember during my younger days i could remember all my friends numbers and relatives numbers by hard. I actually still remember quite a number of my primary school friends numbers... but sadly can only recall a handful of numbers ever since i got myself a handphone... And as some numbers has changed, the old numbers become invalid..

It is just so easy programming things into phones. It's like our whole lives are dependent on it... Our schedule, contacts, emails, shopping list, to do list, appointments, birthdays... the list gets endless with every new phone launched..

I'm staring to wonder.. is this really doing us any good? It seems like our lives is fun by technology..  Our brains have gotten rather lazy at remembering things as there is something to do it for us. When humans had to walk or cycle, fat people were indeed very rare. And if you were fat, well... you must have been rich indeed.

When we did not have microwaves, and fast foods.. people weren't as impatient when they were hungry, as waiting was a norm, cooking was planned and love was put into it. We had to save money to buy that special toy and learned patience when we were kids. People that had credit cards were few... I got my own one only at 29..

People seem to be so impatient now a days, me included. Speeding on roads, honking, wanting instant gratification. We know the names of people in Hollywood but not our neighbors, we know which movie stars are in rehab... but fail to notice people in need...

Seriously... don't you think something is very wrong here? Whats the longest time you have been without a handphone, TV, microwave, credit card , laptop or a car?

Are you a slave to technology?

Complexities of practice

Metta or loving kindness is one of the most profound teachings in the world...

It begins sending loving thoughts to yourself, loved ones, acquaintances, all beings and eventually you enemies...

Easier said then done...

It's always easy to send happy thoughts to people whom you love..

but what if you hate your enemy and secretly wish misfortunes befall them...

Like in cases where that person caused you to lose your job? or your wife is cheating on you with them or worst still.. they killed the person you cherished most...

What then? Would you still be able to generate metta towards them?

Or would the heart feel immense pain at the thought of them?

Why is there pain? due to injustice? righteousness?

lack of understanding?

Well.. i guess a good way to contemplate on it is that certain karma is causing events to unfold..

And it's always better to clear it now... then later..

Contemplate on who is feeling the pain...

Why? what? how? From where?

try to over come the anger

Then send the metta...

But still.... take the precautions to prevent bad incidents from happening again...

Being ok with the enemy does not mean... let them take you for a ride...

I vote for Metta with action and self defense....

Relationships

Relationships are such complicated things...

Expecially when expectations and frustrations get in the way...

It's funny how at the beginning when one is thrilled to have met someone,

everything is so beautiful...

We are so thrilled at the thought that someone would find little plain me interesting

that we think they are perfect...

They smell good, are just so sensitive.... are so good looking....

Know the perfect things to say... at the right times...

I can depend on them... i have someone to share by life with...

Maybe all my troubles will go away... etc etc..

And everything about this person seems to be a beautifully sung song...

And you make plans and plans and plans....

But what happens next?

Expectations get in the way...

Expectations on how we think that person should be, should think, should act...

You see.... everyone is in their best behaviors in the beginning,

Hence the saying of the 3, 7, 9 year challenge...

The period of time when commitments to each other increases as life progresses and people take steps to build something together or when challenges pop in.

Be it a loss of a job, a new child getting born or going to school or even getting a promotion.

Suddenly the same song becomes irritating...

Like a thumping beat in the background calling

when there are a million things that needs to be done...

And everything comes in a swarm... and things get hard to handle.

Now of course there will be some that think.. " No..... I never lash out or get grumpy, trust me... you do "

Now the big question is.....

What has happened to the relationship?

Did expectations get in the way?

Were we hoping to be swept off our feet and all the stress will ease?

Was the other a jerk?

Were we being selfish, thinking that our issues were more important?

Did one of us not hear what the other was saying?

Or was one of us being judgmental or un-supporting?

There is only so much that one can handle and thats true....

But as understanding as one tries to be...

it does not mean we don't get frustrated...

Question is.... are we willing to work things out?

Are our commitments to the other strong enough to pull things through?

Emotions fluctuate in intensity, both love and hate alike...

So what was really real?

You? Me? The problem? The frustration?

Or just... nothing.....

It was all in our minds...?