No more me...

I have lost it, i am no more me....

for i no longer catch glimpses of what i used to be...

i no more shine or run like i did...

I have lost it, i am no more me....

Innocence lost.... as i grow old..

Eyes once opened can never close...

Things seen or heard can never be erased..

I have lost it, I am no more me...

Parts have died, ugly parts reborn,

confusion, depressions, occasionally scorned..

Thoughtless I'm told...

And maybe it it so...

I have lost it, I am no more me...

So what now, when one has died...?

but to move on and go with the flow?

Harden hearts, and thickened souls...

Once compared, I am no more me...

Thoughts.... just thoughts

Just sitting alone, contemplating on the different people that has come in and out of my life...

Paying tribute to the people that have picked me up when times were bad...

My first memory of an Angel was this girl called Racheal.

I must have been only 7-8 years of age then... and had a friend named Angela..

We were pretty close, being the only Asians in the class... We were in Papua New Guinea you see.

And for some reason Angela and I had a falling out. Tho we were close, somehow she always made me feel inferior to her.... guess i was her feel good bag of some kind.

And yes, she was very pretty and i at that age... average.. and still am..

And so Angela and i didn't talk for days... and i remember Racheal getting us together and making us shake hands....

I will never forget that gesture, she didn't have too.

I recall her always being very supportive and kind in heart..

Never putting people down, and at that age finding ways to guide people through..

She always picked me up when i was down, made sure i was ok..

Always had kind words.....

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I have some great friends in Singpore too,

They always show me such great hospitality,

keeping me updated on prayer events and such.

Meng for sure, never lets me leave without giving me something.

And if i was out with Gu Gu... well rest assured she will never let me pay for a thing..

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There is also Karen whom i met in Burma...

We shared a room, and she came late into the retreat... a doggie like me..

I liked her instantly and once we started talking it was pretty hard to stop..

Sometimes she really sees through me... but never in a bad way...

I was addicted to peanut candy then... and wanted to bring some home to KL..

It was the last day and we had to part.

Karen took a plane from Maymyo to Yangon, where i took the long bus ride.

Upon arriving at the Hotel, i found that she has left me some money to buy candy to bring home.

And i remember being very touched, as she left me USD10 with a little note.

We talked rather frequently on the phone after that, and she would always sent me Metta when i was down. And it always worked...

talk about super powers. :)

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Then there are the friends that have been really supportive..

checking In on me every now and then.

And i really appreciate that.

Thanks for the love....

Ramblings of a disturbed mind.

My mind is usually the clearest in the mornings, right after a good nights sleep.
When my analytical controller mind has yet to be awaken from it's slumber,
Here's what happened...

Topic of the day.... some words i heard many many years ago, when an ex broke up with me.
" Sometimes love just ain't enough" Mind you, it's also a lyric from a song... back to the topic. At that moment of time, when i heared it i often wondered why...

Love conquers the world, so we are told. Everything can be healed by love... i agree.
But people are two sides of a coin. When there is Love.... unless of course you are a saint, there will be hate.

The hate of being let down, the hate of being called names in anger, the hate of your lovers attention being on someone else, the hate of obliging to things you really wouldn't agree on.... Now how would love overcome that, when the hate is the sourced from that same love?

Some people would call me passive, as i often do not verbalise my opinions. In some ways i would agree, as i only verbalise them when i feel the other is willing to listen. I really would not agree in shouting matches, and i rarely allow myself to get into one but choose to remain silent.

Eg: my boss thinks lowly of the rest of the staff, Chinese ones not included, and often refers to them as doing things without thinking, unable to open up their minds and think further, and always suspecting people of doing things behind his back. Then he wonders why they won't discuss things with him. Well honestly, if i were them i wouldn't bother too.

For as much as he say's they having an equal discussion, they are not. There can never be, if one has already concluded that the other has a closed mind, and fail to see that people have different opinions and come from different back grounds. Just because one thinks one idea will work, it does not mean the other will fail.

I do not believe that calling people such has any benefit at all. I think it boarders on verbal abuse. Lucky for me in my past relationships, my partners have cushioned and encouraged me through my weaknesses, and guided me through them, sometimes impatiently. And not shove it in my face. But really.... how does telling someone they are stupid help them grow? If thats the first words that come into a conversation, you can definetly be sure, they will only hear 30% of what you say after. Angry or not angry.....

After any shouting match, or in my case being shoouted at, it usually takes me quite a few days to recover. My aura gets pierced with many daggers and holes when people send their angry energy towards me. ( Mental note: strengthen aura) Hence, i choose to not say things in anger the best i can, and if i had to, ensure the angry energy is contained. For sure, it takes time for me to clear my pent up anger, and i do feel sorry for the poor person that may annoy me enough for some of it to be released towards them. Reckless drivers included. I choose to release the anger in other ways.. ( mental note of need to exercise and meditate)

I no longer know why i stopped exercising. i really should get started. ( Mental note, find exercise partner or join a race)

Oh well..... life goes on. Like a friend just recently shared " you should never be sad in moments in life when there is suffering" and i have added " for if you are sad, then you had better devote all your energy to never be born again/ or to living eternally in heaven" which ever suits you most.

now back to work

PODs The Backpackers Home

PODs

Power of dreams..
People on Drugs
Prince of darkness....

This new place of mine surely does bring out many different faces of my personality.
From faith and determination, ups and downs, to fear and discouragement...
But i must say, it definaetly has brought a lot of spiritual people our way...

From those in the faith, to those seeking their faiths,
and every single person has a different story, a different view,
from the liberals to the extremes.....

No rights, no wrongs...
Just Power Of Dreams....
It's funny how the intention to draw spiritual people actually draws them...

So here's a new Intention to send to the universe...

People that come to PODs will heal and grow in the ways best for them...
PODs is visited by those near and far....
PODs sustains the stresses of time smoothly...
PODs is filled will love and compassion....

PODs is filled with abundance...
I Love PODs, people love PODs
PODs is clean and beautiful
So be it, So be it, So be it.......

PODs The Backpackers Home............. ROCKs

The Monk in me

This is the time for the monk in me to change...

For you see, the monk in me never had much aspirations, But only to help and serve.

The monk in me never liked computers,

for it gave him a tight chest and tingly arms...

The monk in me in the past i'm sure, has taken vows of poverty,

and has since worked hard to sever them,

The monk in me hates numbers,

and debts are like wings being clipped.

He dosen't like athority this monk in me,

for as hermit as he can be...

he can walk along in silence,

being quite oblivious to what he may see....

But then here it is this monk...

He has no choice but to change..

to grow from his shell, out of his box...

to computers, and numbers as well.

For now there is work, there is work dear monk,

There is no time to procrastinate...

Quick learn what you have tried so hard to avoid before...

it's a choice it's a choice you must take.....

discovering oneself

Funny how life plays tricks on you. I've always remebered when i was young i would always tell myself, Jules.... don't study Business or marketing. It's an evil trade... one where there is exploitation and where one will have to think of $$ how to keep it, how to make it.... such suffering

And oh how i'd judge spouses who started businesses together. Wondering if all the fights and differences in opinions was worth while. And who played what and were and how. And thinking what suffering.... sure didn't want to get involved with that. Like the saying goes.... " Never Say Never".

Life has bitten me by the neck, for here i am starting a business a backpackers lodge with my partner. And oh it is hard..... our differences in opinions, her attempts to do what she thinks best, and my attempts to stay strong and do what i think best....

The constant clashing and dashing at each other... and the unbearable silence...
But the truth is, as strong as i may look, i'm a softy. And as my sweetheart says i have dreams but never have the faith or strength to pursue it. After all what do i have to loose? The respect of my parents and family? Bankruptcy? Or getting sued? Well i guess i really don't have much to loose... no house or car under my name..... just my miserly savings.

Guess the greatest fear is loosing the respect of my family.... or my partner.... And in this situation, most of the time there is no real winning for me... for most of the time, i stuck in between.

Oh how much easier it would have been if we could have just gotten a bank loan which gave us enough to start. Then there would be no fights over budgets for we had no choice but NOT exceed it. But then we are paupers making an attempt to fulfill our dream borrowing money from family, with a limit blurred. Borrowing money we don't really have, hoping for a break.......

What a journey it is... to discover oneself.

But then again, what would life be if we didn't have to courage to attempt anything....?

???

It's funny how easy we lose ourselves when we are around people..
And worse for me.. as i usually don't have much of a preference to things..I and usually just go with the flow or do what makes people happy..
My excuse? Keep the peace...

You see... I have a disease.. a deadly disease..
One that drains me, and makes me very sick if i don't keep it in check..
And most of us have it, but we may not know it...
It's called... THE PEOPLE PLEASER...

We are all dominated by views and opinions that are usually not ours,
from TV to parents, to lovers ,to peers ... and politicians..
For god's sake, with all the stimulation it is obviously hard to know what we really want... But then does it mean we are not honest to ourselves if
we eat fast foods or smoke when we don't want to?

Are we being honest to ourselves if we have or feel we should do things even when we know it takes a toll on us?
How about when we spend beyond our means just to fit in with the rest?
Of course.. once in a while it is nice to splurge.. but when is it too much?

How do you balance integrity, honesty, matyrism and rigidity?

After all.. keeping the peace is great, but people wear out after a while
And being to fixed causes a lot of damage too.. it's limiting, rigid.

So how..?
Guess i'll stay quiet and reflect on it a little, hopefully i'll strike a balance... Soon..