present moment...

I started the day feeling rather down, drained and blue...
Well of course i would.. the past few weeks maybe even months everything seemed a little blur..
I guess i entered into a state of solitude.. but not of the peaceful kind..
the separated from the world kind...

I went into a state where i was like a machine..
doing this and that, running here and there,
thinking about a gazillion things at a time and not even knowing it..
The state of stillness i once had was no where to be found..

I could no longer hear my inner self think or speak.
Maitland, Mckenzie, books, questions... anwers...
went on and on and on....

Where is my inner self? the peaceful one?
why have i been searching outside?
And then suddenly thoughts of my teacher arises...
my ten day retreats, my perseverance...
the struggle to learn the meaning of silence..

Surely i can still connect with that now...
As i wash the dishes, i wash the dishes...
as i walk... i walk....
as i breathe i feel the gentle touch of movement upon my upper lip...
It has been a while... it has been missed...
I am present... how long will it last i do not know..
But as long as i continue to be in this moment... i will be present...
After all.. isn't life our constant breath?

Today is a good day to observe life... the breath
to observe the present moment....

Words words words...

Ever felt that words are so limiting?
ever wished that people could put away with words ,
and go straight in to the mental message we all have before those foul things leave our lips?
Ever wondered why the same things said to 2 different people sometimes get interpreted in different ways?

Its funny how things we hear can be heard so differently at different moments in time...
Now please don't say that never happens... for i am sure it has happened to each one of us..
I believe we all have a pair of filters in which we see the world thru, Some wear dark glasses, some wear coloured glasses, some have thick lenses, some thin... Some glasses allow us to see wide and far... and some only a small distance away...
And i would think, just like our eyes, our ears, thoughts, taste, nose have a filter in some way or the other... After all, are we not moulded by our beliefs, upbringing and experiances?

Of course there is no right or wrong... but it makes me wonder...
If I a person whom wears glasses that only allows me to see small distances, were to one day change glasses to one that sees wide and far... How would things change?
I would expect all that which i strongly thought was right would suddenly be seen as wrong.
But then again, how can i label it as wrong?
For that was all i saw and all i knew.... until i changed glasses, and then i saw more.
and all those who were screaming and shouting that the world was flat would still think so...
that is until their preception changed of course...

When i was young, i would take great offence if someone said i was righteous,
I remember the time, during an activity that was one of the more common feedbacks i got...
And i remember the shock of having people perceive me in that way...
( note i used the word perceive: well i learned later that feedback is not a statement of what you are, but just how people sometimes see you )
Righteous was one of the last things i would call myself.
But now.... if you were to sayI was righteous... i would totally agree..
With time.. the filters in which i perceived myself has changed too...

I guess, the flower does not know that it's scent is fragrant,
and the garbage does not know that it smells foul...
So whos the one that says fragrant or foul?

I guess at the end of the day.. it really comes down to being able to go beyond what we think and making the choice to choose a better pair of filters... one that allows us to see far perhaps.
There is no need to say who was wrong or right... for it fixs nothing..
Most importantly, is the awareness that no matter how open or knowledgeable we think we are..
There will always filters.... and the filters change with time, for better or worst..

Question is... what are we going to do with it? Shall we look at others differently and acknowledge that they too have thier own filters? Would that enable us to be more forgiving with one another? And the list goes on.......

Getting into routine..

There is a saying that goes.. habits take 21 days to make and 1 day to break..

It makes me wonder, how many habits of mine was moulded since young.

One things is for sure.. i admire my parent's commitment and dedication in raising us.

Though, i also remember the fear my mother instilled....

No she never used the cane... neither did she use hard words...

But the warnings she gave used to ring in my ears, years after....

And trust me.... when mum said something.. she ment it...

and even more.. she stuck to it....

Just packing for this trip i am about to make.. there is a check list in my head...

something my mum constantly reminded us of...

Passport... check, Wallet with foreign currency.. check, underwear.. check,

pen.. check, shoes and slippers.. check... and the list goes on... and on..

God knows.. i could pack with my eyes closed...

From washing shoes on the weekend... which of course as i got older, managed to learn to keep my shoes clean and polished with white chalk,( i'd miss weeks at a time) coz i got lazy...

To waking up a certain hour everyday..., if i missed the bus,

how i'd dread having to wake mum in the early morning...

Oh.. the guilt and shame i would feel for disturbing her sleep...

Well... not that she would grumble..

but more of i myself should have been more responsible...

another one of the great values my mum instilled...

But then of course later i built up the guts to take the bus..

Well... i guess it comes with maturity... or so i think...

Reflecting back on my childhood...

I have since learned to appreciate my mothers wisdom..

Yes many times it was painful when she left me to pick my self up..

and yes there were times of anger and resentment...

Especially when the scoldings were for all to see...

But i guess now i wouldn't change what i had, even if i could...

For how else would i have turned out the way i am?

How else would i have learned the ways of the world?

For this i am constantly greatful to all mothers out there...

No... it's not mothers day, and yes, there are some average mums...

But didn't they make us who we are?

did we not learn from our experiences.. good or bad ?

Did we not make the choices that brought us here?

I guess family builds our routine....

to follow or not... thats a choice WE make.

THANK YOU MUM's......