The self

I had a very enlightening conversation with someone today. And was given very good feedback. I was told i had changed... i guess in some ways drastically.


I'd have to agree.... It was easy to be all spiritual when there was time. When my mornings were not a get out of bed and go to work or get home, bathe and sleep routine. Now a days, i actually have to motivate myself to burn incense at the alter, when previously i was critical on how it should be done, in a certain manner, a certain time...


What has changed i wonder? Has my focus in life taken a new direction? Is this part of my journey into discovering myself? I do recall periods of time when my intense need to soul search varied from nothing to deligent retreat. Perhaps it's time again. After all.... it has been 4 years since i focused fully on inner practice.


Have i really changed?  Have i become a crook, focused on my fears and money? For sure, the free spirited me is still present and unchanged, and feeling the pressure of having my wings clipped. I still want to heal and do good...

Perhaps it's really time i contemplated on my methods..........

Misconceptions

With the current events happening in my home country, i can't help but to reflect on my own thoughts and actions.

Here we have a blanket banning of an event meant to create awareness and tolerance,
And on the other end we have prejudice and intolerance.
Fixed views i call it.

I wonder how often this happens in our everyday lives, when our views become fixed.
And how easy it is to judge when our thoughts are made up about the people around us.
As much as we may think that we are open minded, we.... in the deepest sense are not.
We are still confined to our thought and opinions, conditioned by books, society, education and the media etc..

We are constantly judging, knowingly or unknowingly, when we criticize another's work, or how they do their work our judgements are endless.. In a society driven by instant results and gains, it definitely is a skill to be able to put our discriminations aside.

Even more then ever when we are constantly having to face discriminations of our own.

Question is.... do we have the self awareness to not discriminate and choose to view the world with compassion? How many of us consciously make an effort not to discriminate?

Contemplations

I often wonder if disagreements and fights begin because i fail to be more understanding,
Or that i'm selfish and have put myself first...
As much as i try to be open and wise, i guess i have my bad judgements..
I can be grumpy and thoughtless,
Recently i've been told that i'm hostile and moody..
Perhaps all that is true...

But i think even the best of us have bad days..
I recall a period of time some years back..
I kept having difficulty keeping awake..
Maybe it was some karma of some sort, or just physical and mental exhaustion.
I'd find myself falling to sleep and struggling to way up.
And having dreams of missing a class... i was working then.
Another period where i was trying to find footing in life..

We all get wiped of our feet occasionally,
Sadly for me, i seem to adapt quite slowly,
Maybe i don't take change very well when it comes to ME!

This is a period of growth... and as much as i'm struggling i do see the light ahead..
It just feels like a long way... even though deep down i know that its not...
This will pass......... it always does......

Do we or do we not?

For everyone out there who believes that we see the world through our own experiences, of a pair of filters moulded by our immediate worlds...
How aware are you really?

How do fights and disagreements begin? I wonder...
Well it has to start from 2 points..... both equally correct.. or so they think...
So if both is correct, then who is wrong?

I remember when i was young, i was bad at maths... my brother on the other hand was very good. A star student. One day my mum had him tutor me. We are 7 years apart, i was only in my primary school back then, so he would have been in his teens.

Well... being a teen and having to tutor his youngest sister, lets say he could have been slightly impatient to start with, definitely not his ideal way of spending a weekend afternoon. And trying very hard to hide it of course.. but wanting to be very helpful at the same time. I'm sure he had tonnes of other things planned and was hopping he could get it over and done with quickly.

So things started slowly... a = d x 6 = x, I didn't get it the first time... and went huh?
After a few more times it became a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 =X
His voice started to get louder,
I asked, "but what happened to b & c? How did the a become  d ?  You have to go through b & c."
The more impatient he got, the more blur i became... my defenses were up.
I couldn't understand why he was getting mad when all i asked was " how did he get from a to d, without going through b &c
Being younger it was a tough fight, I had lots of difficulty expressing negative emotions, even since then.

And now, when in a corner... i still find myself in a state of panic and confusion.... being blur is my self defense... My head goes numb and all my collected thoughts disappear.. Defend against why you may ask... well.. the energy sent out of course... the provoking stare of disbelief or judging...
When one gets angry it comes out of the eyes..... and when done with intent pierces like a sword.

How dis-empowering it can be...

( I remember when I was in Australia, and this certain person had misjudged me. Being a person in power she told the whole group of what she thought i did, while staring at me... It was a psychic attack. A very well attained friend of mine was sitting in front of me and received half of the blow, a fire ball was launched and blew a hole in my heart chakra, don't know who much damage she got, but we both spoke about it after. Took me a few days to recover)

I could not hear him, and he could not me... ( we'll he thought he heard me)

He had decided i was stupid,
I kept feeling unheard and judged, wondering why he couldn't just explain further.
In the end tears fell.... i felt hopeless.  We were both frustrated....

Looking back at it... it was all really silly...
What was it all about? Facts? Feelings? or both?
How aware are we of our thoughts?

What i've learned... is my blurness is a defense mechanism, and according to a book i read.... the Celestine Prophecy if someone is able to point it out.... the defense disappears... I've tested the theory in the book on someone else... it works.

I should seek out and read that book again.......

Our dependency on technology

Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets....

I remember during my younger days i could remember all my friends numbers and relatives numbers by hard. I actually still remember quite a number of my primary school friends numbers... but sadly can only recall a handful of numbers ever since i got myself a handphone... And as some numbers has changed, the old numbers become invalid..

It is just so easy programming things into phones. It's like our whole lives are dependent on it... Our schedule, contacts, emails, shopping list, to do list, appointments, birthdays... the list gets endless with every new phone launched..

I'm staring to wonder.. is this really doing us any good? It seems like our lives is fun by technology..  Our brains have gotten rather lazy at remembering things as there is something to do it for us. When humans had to walk or cycle, fat people were indeed very rare. And if you were fat, well... you must have been rich indeed.

When we did not have microwaves, and fast foods.. people weren't as impatient when they were hungry, as waiting was a norm, cooking was planned and love was put into it. We had to save money to buy that special toy and learned patience when we were kids. People that had credit cards were few... I got my own one only at 29..

People seem to be so impatient now a days, me included. Speeding on roads, honking, wanting instant gratification. We know the names of people in Hollywood but not our neighbors, we know which movie stars are in rehab... but fail to notice people in need...

Seriously... don't you think something is very wrong here? Whats the longest time you have been without a handphone, TV, microwave, credit card , laptop or a car?

Are you a slave to technology?

Complexities of practice

Metta or loving kindness is one of the most profound teachings in the world...

It begins sending loving thoughts to yourself, loved ones, acquaintances, all beings and eventually you enemies...

Easier said then done...

It's always easy to send happy thoughts to people whom you love..

but what if you hate your enemy and secretly wish misfortunes befall them...

Like in cases where that person caused you to lose your job? or your wife is cheating on you with them or worst still.. they killed the person you cherished most...

What then? Would you still be able to generate metta towards them?

Or would the heart feel immense pain at the thought of them?

Why is there pain? due to injustice? righteousness?

lack of understanding?

Well.. i guess a good way to contemplate on it is that certain karma is causing events to unfold..

And it's always better to clear it now... then later..

Contemplate on who is feeling the pain...

Why? what? how? From where?

try to over come the anger

Then send the metta...

But still.... take the precautions to prevent bad incidents from happening again...

Being ok with the enemy does not mean... let them take you for a ride...

I vote for Metta with action and self defense....

Relationships

Relationships are such complicated things...

Expecially when expectations and frustrations get in the way...

It's funny how at the beginning when one is thrilled to have met someone,

everything is so beautiful...

We are so thrilled at the thought that someone would find little plain me interesting

that we think they are perfect...

They smell good, are just so sensitive.... are so good looking....

Know the perfect things to say... at the right times...

I can depend on them... i have someone to share by life with...

Maybe all my troubles will go away... etc etc..

And everything about this person seems to be a beautifully sung song...

And you make plans and plans and plans....

But what happens next?

Expectations get in the way...

Expectations on how we think that person should be, should think, should act...

You see.... everyone is in their best behaviors in the beginning,

Hence the saying of the 3, 7, 9 year challenge...

The period of time when commitments to each other increases as life progresses and people take steps to build something together or when challenges pop in.

Be it a loss of a job, a new child getting born or going to school or even getting a promotion.

Suddenly the same song becomes irritating...

Like a thumping beat in the background calling

when there are a million things that needs to be done...

And everything comes in a swarm... and things get hard to handle.

Now of course there will be some that think.. " No..... I never lash out or get grumpy, trust me... you do "

Now the big question is.....

What has happened to the relationship?

Did expectations get in the way?

Were we hoping to be swept off our feet and all the stress will ease?

Was the other a jerk?

Were we being selfish, thinking that our issues were more important?

Did one of us not hear what the other was saying?

Or was one of us being judgmental or un-supporting?

There is only so much that one can handle and thats true....

But as understanding as one tries to be...

it does not mean we don't get frustrated...

Question is.... are we willing to work things out?

Are our commitments to the other strong enough to pull things through?

Emotions fluctuate in intensity, both love and hate alike...

So what was really real?

You? Me? The problem? The frustration?

Or just... nothing.....

It was all in our minds...?

Bleeding Hearts

I spoke to my friend at work today...
She had so much pent up inside her...
These past few years, and all the hardship she has gone through...
And as i watched and comforted her through her tears...
Allowing her to release, and heal...

I felt my heart bleed...
Drip drip drip....
i kept listening as i provided comfort....
eyes tearing as i shared her sorrow...
Words were random, some unexpressed...
And i allowed her to release her frustrations while my heart
dripped tears of blood...

As i sat there... and heard her pains....
I felt mine......

I pray my heart will not harden from the many challenges this world will give me..
I pray i will continue to trust no matter how many times i get hurt...
I pray I will be able to continue to love fully without fear...
I pray that love will never turn into indifference or hate... no matter what may happen...

Just random contemplations

Looking back these past few months..
It has been a major roller coaster ride..
Physically, emotionally and mentally..
So much has happened and so much has changed...

I've become stronger in some ways..
commiting to something and going all out for it..
Tho my methods may not always be correct...
I'm learning...


Yes.. at times it's frustrating...
As it always is when i try to put my views across..
Something i have not always been good at..
Sometimes it comes out wrong....


I have not been as calm as i normally am..
possibly because of what is at stake...
But then again... this is a start...
This is a beginning....
And i will pull thru...
and from this... I am sure, comes bigger things...


I always wanted a space.... green, calmness and clean air...
Where people come to heal....
Now i have green walls.... and polluted air...
Calmness can be created.... people can still come to heal...

It dosen't get better then this....
At least not for now....

At this moment... this is where i am ment to be...
I shall no longer fight it.
Lets just Work on the being....
Lets just work on the now...
I remember my prayer....



"By thought, speech and actions, whatever good merits done
in the past present and future i share them for the welfare and benefit of all beings,
May all beings be free from suffering and it's causes,
May all beings find happiness and it's causes.
May all beings take care of themselves happily.

May i bring healing, peace, love and truth to the world,
And may i be guided and guide in time of need,
May i meet the right people at the right time and the right places,
That work be done for the betterment of all beings
May i continue to grow in wisdom and compassion for the benefit of others

And if at any time this affirmation is shaken...

And at the moments when i am weak, and lose my sight,
May I have strength, humility and wisdom to walk the straight path again. "

So Be it.... So be it... So be it...

And it shall be done...

I do not think it's hard to get me to talk,

Just that i need things to instigate the conversation,

As a child i was always contemplative..

thinking about the ways of the world...

planning how i'd like my life to be....

I always had difficulty talking about emotions.

Writing was always easier..

I wanted to be a spiritual guru you see..

And was always avoiding getting too deep in the so called worldly path..

I visualized a big land, where people would come and heal,

where they would then go out and train others and continue the healing cycle.

I visualized a world full of love and abundance..

Now that i am grown, i find, things are not always like that...

i am not always able to connect to my higher being, for at times i'm lost

Many instances i have reacted with lack of wisdom..

There are no manuals to refer to you see...

and judgements can sometimes be severely clouded.

Wat started good, may not always be the best.

I have found that people are nice,

And that certain things happen for certain reasons.. which i mostly dunno what.

A guest told me during my worst times it was a phase...

this challenge i faced, and it was part of finding spirituality...

We sometimes need to see our worst to find our best

We laughed at each others worst habits...

Hers arrogance, mine a martyr... never voicing my thoughts..

Each having a payback that is hard to drop...

I was so adamant about walking a spiritual path you see...

and now i find myself going into something i swore i would avoid...

Perhaps i need to find the spirituality in the business world...

It's not about the handling of people you see... thats the easy part...

It's about keeping the business running...

How do I do that and still not lose part of myself?

How does a business person earn and reach the dream without pressing on others?

Perhaps it's time to just reach the dream without pressing on others..

Perhaps it's just about let go and just be......

I shall meditate now....

Two sides of a coin

Black- white

rough - smooth

Hard - soft

Two sides of a coin.

There is never a right side or a wrong side

Never a good side or a bad side..

It's just a complimenting side....

When there is one, there will be the other

When there is good there will be evil...

So really.... why do we fight so?

No more me...

I have lost it, i am no more me....

for i no longer catch glimpses of what i used to be...

i no more shine or run like i did...

I have lost it, i am no more me....

Innocence lost.... as i grow old..

Eyes once opened can never close...

Things seen or heard can never be erased..

I have lost it, I am no more me...

Parts have died, ugly parts reborn,

confusion, depressions, occasionally scorned..

Thoughtless I'm told...

And maybe it it so...

I have lost it, I am no more me...

So what now, when one has died...?

but to move on and go with the flow?

Harden hearts, and thickened souls...

Once compared, I am no more me...

Thoughts.... just thoughts

Just sitting alone, contemplating on the different people that has come in and out of my life...

Paying tribute to the people that have picked me up when times were bad...

My first memory of an Angel was this girl called Racheal.

I must have been only 7-8 years of age then... and had a friend named Angela..

We were pretty close, being the only Asians in the class... We were in Papua New Guinea you see.

And for some reason Angela and I had a falling out. Tho we were close, somehow she always made me feel inferior to her.... guess i was her feel good bag of some kind.

And yes, she was very pretty and i at that age... average.. and still am..

And so Angela and i didn't talk for days... and i remember Racheal getting us together and making us shake hands....

I will never forget that gesture, she didn't have too.

I recall her always being very supportive and kind in heart..

Never putting people down, and at that age finding ways to guide people through..

She always picked me up when i was down, made sure i was ok..

Always had kind words.....

----------------------

I have some great friends in Singpore too,

They always show me such great hospitality,

keeping me updated on prayer events and such.

Meng for sure, never lets me leave without giving me something.

And if i was out with Gu Gu... well rest assured she will never let me pay for a thing..

-------------

There is also Karen whom i met in Burma...

We shared a room, and she came late into the retreat... a doggie like me..

I liked her instantly and once we started talking it was pretty hard to stop..

Sometimes she really sees through me... but never in a bad way...

I was addicted to peanut candy then... and wanted to bring some home to KL..

It was the last day and we had to part.

Karen took a plane from Maymyo to Yangon, where i took the long bus ride.

Upon arriving at the Hotel, i found that she has left me some money to buy candy to bring home.

And i remember being very touched, as she left me USD10 with a little note.

We talked rather frequently on the phone after that, and she would always sent me Metta when i was down. And it always worked...

talk about super powers. :)

------------

Then there are the friends that have been really supportive..

checking In on me every now and then.

And i really appreciate that.

Thanks for the love....

Ramblings of a disturbed mind.

My mind is usually the clearest in the mornings, right after a good nights sleep.
When my analytical controller mind has yet to be awaken from it's slumber,
Here's what happened...

Topic of the day.... some words i heard many many years ago, when an ex broke up with me.
" Sometimes love just ain't enough" Mind you, it's also a lyric from a song... back to the topic. At that moment of time, when i heared it i often wondered why...

Love conquers the world, so we are told. Everything can be healed by love... i agree.
But people are two sides of a coin. When there is Love.... unless of course you are a saint, there will be hate.

The hate of being let down, the hate of being called names in anger, the hate of your lovers attention being on someone else, the hate of obliging to things you really wouldn't agree on.... Now how would love overcome that, when the hate is the sourced from that same love?

Some people would call me passive, as i often do not verbalise my opinions. In some ways i would agree, as i only verbalise them when i feel the other is willing to listen. I really would not agree in shouting matches, and i rarely allow myself to get into one but choose to remain silent.

Eg: my boss thinks lowly of the rest of the staff, Chinese ones not included, and often refers to them as doing things without thinking, unable to open up their minds and think further, and always suspecting people of doing things behind his back. Then he wonders why they won't discuss things with him. Well honestly, if i were them i wouldn't bother too.

For as much as he say's they having an equal discussion, they are not. There can never be, if one has already concluded that the other has a closed mind, and fail to see that people have different opinions and come from different back grounds. Just because one thinks one idea will work, it does not mean the other will fail.

I do not believe that calling people such has any benefit at all. I think it boarders on verbal abuse. Lucky for me in my past relationships, my partners have cushioned and encouraged me through my weaknesses, and guided me through them, sometimes impatiently. And not shove it in my face. But really.... how does telling someone they are stupid help them grow? If thats the first words that come into a conversation, you can definetly be sure, they will only hear 30% of what you say after. Angry or not angry.....

After any shouting match, or in my case being shoouted at, it usually takes me quite a few days to recover. My aura gets pierced with many daggers and holes when people send their angry energy towards me. ( Mental note: strengthen aura) Hence, i choose to not say things in anger the best i can, and if i had to, ensure the angry energy is contained. For sure, it takes time for me to clear my pent up anger, and i do feel sorry for the poor person that may annoy me enough for some of it to be released towards them. Reckless drivers included. I choose to release the anger in other ways.. ( mental note of need to exercise and meditate)

I no longer know why i stopped exercising. i really should get started. ( Mental note, find exercise partner or join a race)

Oh well..... life goes on. Like a friend just recently shared " you should never be sad in moments in life when there is suffering" and i have added " for if you are sad, then you had better devote all your energy to never be born again/ or to living eternally in heaven" which ever suits you most.

now back to work

PODs The Backpackers Home

PODs

Power of dreams..
People on Drugs
Prince of darkness....

This new place of mine surely does bring out many different faces of my personality.
From faith and determination, ups and downs, to fear and discouragement...
But i must say, it definaetly has brought a lot of spiritual people our way...

From those in the faith, to those seeking their faiths,
and every single person has a different story, a different view,
from the liberals to the extremes.....

No rights, no wrongs...
Just Power Of Dreams....
It's funny how the intention to draw spiritual people actually draws them...

So here's a new Intention to send to the universe...

People that come to PODs will heal and grow in the ways best for them...
PODs is visited by those near and far....
PODs sustains the stresses of time smoothly...
PODs is filled will love and compassion....

PODs is filled with abundance...
I Love PODs, people love PODs
PODs is clean and beautiful
So be it, So be it, So be it.......

PODs The Backpackers Home............. ROCKs

The Monk in me

This is the time for the monk in me to change...

For you see, the monk in me never had much aspirations, But only to help and serve.

The monk in me never liked computers,

for it gave him a tight chest and tingly arms...

The monk in me in the past i'm sure, has taken vows of poverty,

and has since worked hard to sever them,

The monk in me hates numbers,

and debts are like wings being clipped.

He dosen't like athority this monk in me,

for as hermit as he can be...

he can walk along in silence,

being quite oblivious to what he may see....

But then here it is this monk...

He has no choice but to change..

to grow from his shell, out of his box...

to computers, and numbers as well.

For now there is work, there is work dear monk,

There is no time to procrastinate...

Quick learn what you have tried so hard to avoid before...

it's a choice it's a choice you must take.....

discovering oneself

Funny how life plays tricks on you. I've always remebered when i was young i would always tell myself, Jules.... don't study Business or marketing. It's an evil trade... one where there is exploitation and where one will have to think of $$ how to keep it, how to make it.... such suffering

And oh how i'd judge spouses who started businesses together. Wondering if all the fights and differences in opinions was worth while. And who played what and were and how. And thinking what suffering.... sure didn't want to get involved with that. Like the saying goes.... " Never Say Never".

Life has bitten me by the neck, for here i am starting a business a backpackers lodge with my partner. And oh it is hard..... our differences in opinions, her attempts to do what she thinks best, and my attempts to stay strong and do what i think best....

The constant clashing and dashing at each other... and the unbearable silence...
But the truth is, as strong as i may look, i'm a softy. And as my sweetheart says i have dreams but never have the faith or strength to pursue it. After all what do i have to loose? The respect of my parents and family? Bankruptcy? Or getting sued? Well i guess i really don't have much to loose... no house or car under my name..... just my miserly savings.

Guess the greatest fear is loosing the respect of my family.... or my partner.... And in this situation, most of the time there is no real winning for me... for most of the time, i stuck in between.

Oh how much easier it would have been if we could have just gotten a bank loan which gave us enough to start. Then there would be no fights over budgets for we had no choice but NOT exceed it. But then we are paupers making an attempt to fulfill our dream borrowing money from family, with a limit blurred. Borrowing money we don't really have, hoping for a break.......

What a journey it is... to discover oneself.

But then again, what would life be if we didn't have to courage to attempt anything....?