Contemplations

I often wonder if disagreements and fights begin because i fail to be more understanding,
Or that i'm selfish and have put myself first...
As much as i try to be open and wise, i guess i have my bad judgements..
I can be grumpy and thoughtless,
Recently i've been told that i'm hostile and moody..
Perhaps all that is true...

But i think even the best of us have bad days..
I recall a period of time some years back..
I kept having difficulty keeping awake..
Maybe it was some karma of some sort, or just physical and mental exhaustion.
I'd find myself falling to sleep and struggling to way up.
And having dreams of missing a class... i was working then.
Another period where i was trying to find footing in life..

We all get wiped of our feet occasionally,
Sadly for me, i seem to adapt quite slowly,
Maybe i don't take change very well when it comes to ME!

This is a period of growth... and as much as i'm struggling i do see the light ahead..
It just feels like a long way... even though deep down i know that its not...
This will pass......... it always does......

Do we or do we not?

For everyone out there who believes that we see the world through our own experiences, of a pair of filters moulded by our immediate worlds...
How aware are you really?

How do fights and disagreements begin? I wonder...
Well it has to start from 2 points..... both equally correct.. or so they think...
So if both is correct, then who is wrong?

I remember when i was young, i was bad at maths... my brother on the other hand was very good. A star student. One day my mum had him tutor me. We are 7 years apart, i was only in my primary school back then, so he would have been in his teens.

Well... being a teen and having to tutor his youngest sister, lets say he could have been slightly impatient to start with, definitely not his ideal way of spending a weekend afternoon. And trying very hard to hide it of course.. but wanting to be very helpful at the same time. I'm sure he had tonnes of other things planned and was hopping he could get it over and done with quickly.

So things started slowly... a = d x 6 = x, I didn't get it the first time... and went huh?
After a few more times it became a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 = x, a = d x 6 =X
His voice started to get louder,
I asked, "but what happened to b & c? How did the a become  d ?  You have to go through b & c."
The more impatient he got, the more blur i became... my defenses were up.
I couldn't understand why he was getting mad when all i asked was " how did he get from a to d, without going through b &c
Being younger it was a tough fight, I had lots of difficulty expressing negative emotions, even since then.

And now, when in a corner... i still find myself in a state of panic and confusion.... being blur is my self defense... My head goes numb and all my collected thoughts disappear.. Defend against why you may ask... well.. the energy sent out of course... the provoking stare of disbelief or judging...
When one gets angry it comes out of the eyes..... and when done with intent pierces like a sword.

How dis-empowering it can be...

( I remember when I was in Australia, and this certain person had misjudged me. Being a person in power she told the whole group of what she thought i did, while staring at me... It was a psychic attack. A very well attained friend of mine was sitting in front of me and received half of the blow, a fire ball was launched and blew a hole in my heart chakra, don't know who much damage she got, but we both spoke about it after. Took me a few days to recover)

I could not hear him, and he could not me... ( we'll he thought he heard me)

He had decided i was stupid,
I kept feeling unheard and judged, wondering why he couldn't just explain further.
In the end tears fell.... i felt hopeless.  We were both frustrated....

Looking back at it... it was all really silly...
What was it all about? Facts? Feelings? or both?
How aware are we of our thoughts?

What i've learned... is my blurness is a defense mechanism, and according to a book i read.... the Celestine Prophecy if someone is able to point it out.... the defense disappears... I've tested the theory in the book on someone else... it works.

I should seek out and read that book again.......

Our dependency on technology

Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets....

I remember during my younger days i could remember all my friends numbers and relatives numbers by hard. I actually still remember quite a number of my primary school friends numbers... but sadly can only recall a handful of numbers ever since i got myself a handphone... And as some numbers has changed, the old numbers become invalid..

It is just so easy programming things into phones. It's like our whole lives are dependent on it... Our schedule, contacts, emails, shopping list, to do list, appointments, birthdays... the list gets endless with every new phone launched..

I'm staring to wonder.. is this really doing us any good? It seems like our lives is fun by technology..  Our brains have gotten rather lazy at remembering things as there is something to do it for us. When humans had to walk or cycle, fat people were indeed very rare. And if you were fat, well... you must have been rich indeed.

When we did not have microwaves, and fast foods.. people weren't as impatient when they were hungry, as waiting was a norm, cooking was planned and love was put into it. We had to save money to buy that special toy and learned patience when we were kids. People that had credit cards were few... I got my own one only at 29..

People seem to be so impatient now a days, me included. Speeding on roads, honking, wanting instant gratification. We know the names of people in Hollywood but not our neighbors, we know which movie stars are in rehab... but fail to notice people in need...

Seriously... don't you think something is very wrong here? Whats the longest time you have been without a handphone, TV, microwave, credit card , laptop or a car?

Are you a slave to technology?